A Word on Dating Violence from the Mother of a Survivor

     Hello all! My mom, Maxine, is a truly incredible woman. On top of her impressive personal accomplishments, she has raised myself and my sisters to be strong young women. My mom gave me a tremendous amount of support when I left my abusive relationship. Dating violence doesn't only affect the victim; families suffer as well. My mom wanted to share some tips and information for parents who may, unfortunately, find themselves in the same situation that she did.     

My mom and I, a year and a half after I left my abusive relationship

 Dating violence can happen to any teen in a romantic, dating, or sexual relationship, anytime, anywhere. But it doesn't have to happen.

     One national survey reported that 1 in 10 teens have been hit or physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend at least once in the preceding 12 months. And, sadly, nearly half of all teens in relationships say they know friends who have been verbally abused.

A teen may experience controlling behavior and demands before the violence begins. Over time, the unhealthy behavior may become violent. This is why adults need to talk to teens about the importance of developing healthy, respectful relationships.

     Dating violence can have a negative effect on health throughout life. Victims of teen dating violence are more likely to do poorly in school, and report binge drinking, suicide attempts, physical fighting, reckless sexual activity, and low self-esteem. Teens who commit dating violence may also carry these patterns of violence into future relationships.

     Parents need to understand that teens do not often tell their parents of the abuse due to the fear that they will question the teen’s judgment, try to take charge, or take away privileges or independence.Parents should be encouraging, comforting and supportive if their teen confides in them. While normal reactions can include: shock, anxiety or anger, it is important for parents to control their emotions. A negative reaction can frighten your teen.

It may be and usually is difficult for the teen to leave an abusive relationship. Parents must understand that the abuser exerts control and power over the victim.

     Teens should be reminded that they are not responsible for the abuse. Parents must help their teen recognize their strengths and help them explore their options and reach their own decisions. Parents should also help their teen come up with a safety plan and discuss how they can stay safe.

     Education is a vital tool in helping to deal with dating violence. Children and teens place a lot of emphasis on what they see and hear on TV, at the movies, and from peers. Providing education about healthy relationships could help to decrease the incidents of dating violence.

New York State currently has legislation in committee for implementing educational programs in schools (S04860 and A00518). Unfortunately this legislation has been sitting in the Education Committee for several years. A concerted effort must be made to encourage forward movement on this legislation.

While waiting for the legislation to become law parents can do several things if they suspect their child is involved in an abusive relationship…

v  Keep the lines of communication open.

v  Do not pressure your child to end the relationship.

v  Reassure your child that you are there for him/her should you be needed.

v  Keep the National Domestic Violence Hotline number handy.                                   

iIt is 1-800-799-SAFE.

v  Let your child know that they can call this number for support if they are worried about speaking to you.

v  Brainstorm some helpful strategies together. Make them ‘just in case’ scenarios.

If they are sure their child has been abused…

v  Without a doubt, take a victim who has been physically hurt to the hospital right away.

v  Reassure them that their physical well-being comes first. You can talk about how it happened when he/she is better.

v  Don’t nag - hug, pamper, console.

v  After they have received medical care, contact the police or talk with the hospital social worker who can contact authorities for you.

v  If your child tells you about physical and/or emotional abuse against him/her it is time to contact the authorities.

If you aren’t sure where to call, try the local police or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).